Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
a search helicopter?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
