You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
