ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
