I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
