i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
