My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
