i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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