i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
then he tried to convert me to islam
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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