I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
