Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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