I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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