I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Randomize
