wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
