I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
