At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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