We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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