No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
