Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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