nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
