pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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