You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Randomize
