I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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