Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
