im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
