what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
