Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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