Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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