Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
