I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
