You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I didn't shave. On purpose
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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