there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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