last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
