Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
