She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
