When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
