Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
