i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
