I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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