he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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