I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
