Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
