brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
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