____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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