Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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