Umm I'm too high to move.
Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
