I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
