NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
