The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
