dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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