i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
